"I Can..."

"Hello Darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again because a vision softly creeping left it's seeds while I was sleeping and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains, within the sound of silence." -Simon and Garfunkel

November 20, 2009

A cow watched me pee today- it's head stuck through my outhouse window. I only felt slightly violated, it is "My Cow" after all.

One of God's worst creations is enjoying entering my house these days- no it is not the siyafu, those were a bad idea too. It is like a cochroach, but smaller and lighter colored and great! (sarcasm here) it can fly! Now all it need to do is transmit AIDS and it becomes my worst nightmare. They make a horrible clicking/buzzing sound when they fly, not like a bee, like something gross. For someone who is outdoorsy, lives in Africa and likes animals- I still hate bugs. Luckily, my cats have decided that this bugs extinction is up to them. They make flying leaps into the air knocking them stunned to the ground and then crunch, crunch crunch... gone. Yuck.

Is your life pathetic if you dream about food every night? What is you dream about silly foods? Last night it was Toby's Tofu Pate. I could see the container, I opened it, salivated and then woke up. I could almost taste it. Lately, every morning the second before I am completely conscious, I think I am in America. This is weird because I have slept in this room for over a year. The worst was the morning that I thought I could hear my Dad making breakfast and I jumped up to go eat with him, before realizing where I was.

I can barely move today. Yesterday I dug with a hoe for five straight hours. I told Mama Max that i would help her on the farm, but when my alarm went off at 5.30 am and I awoke to drizzle and gray skies, all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed. But can Mama Max do that? Can any Tanzanian woman just sleep in? No, this is about what we are going to eat. With that I got up and braved the elements and physical labor. I actually enjoyed being on the farm. What a great female bonding experience. Every women slightly related to Mama Max was there with their hoe. We lined up shoulder to sholder like a small female army and truged forward, turning the soil. My hands were bleeding almost immediately but I forced them on, even thought the women tried to make me stop. However, since I am Image's full idea of what an American is, I force myself often through painful or uncomfortable situations just to prove what Americans are made of. I might be a woman who is used to a dishwasher, washing machine, shower and sitting at a desk in front of a computer, but i refuse to let them believe that I am weak or can't. Sometimes i wonder what would happen if I always lived like this- with a "can-do" attitude- "I can do it," "I am not afraid," "I am not hurt," "I can eat it," " I can wear it," "I can sit in the dirt," "I can... I can... I can..." What could I possibly accomplished that I previously thought I couldn't? What if we all lived like this? What if we all always tried our hardest and didn't complain because we were representing an entire country and culture? What would the world be like?

Anyways, it pours rain off and on but I laugh with the women as the rain runs down our faces and makes my hair stick out at every angle possible. I pretend I am going to take a hot shower when this is all over. My favorite part is being with the little girls- they are care-free and lugh, but are hard workers, they will have to work like this for the rest of their lives. Maxillia, Mama Max's second child who is 11 years old, tells me story after story. Grace, a five year old distant cousin, hoes and hoes, until I am pretty sure that she is stronger than I am. My whole body hurts and my hands are raw, but there is some satisfaction there, sometimes it feels good to serve others and be part of something.