"Nitawataka Kupima Afya" or "I Want to Test Your Health"

"Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything."
- Mother Teresa

March 1, 2009

Sunday- My village day. I woke up to find a huge rat in my drawer, so I screamed and Kimulimuli was on it. That cat is fast but the rat still escaped under the door. I grew up with mice as pets but something about living with a rat in my food, clothes, etc. really freaks me out. I got ready for church, I think I have been to church more times in Africa than ever in America. However, I go for the social/integration aspect of it, not for any religious purpose. When I get to church, Anna throws herself in my arms- today she is in a pink ruffly number with pink studs in her ears. I spend the rest of the service entertaining her. Church goes like usual and at the end they make me stand up and talk. They do this now. I am not sure what the purpose is and what I am supposed to say, but I think it will come in handy whenever I really have anything to announce. So I tell them what I am teaching at the primary school and that this week I am going to start work at the dispensary. I mention that I want to have a village AIDS day, where an organization will come in to test all of us. This is met with no eye contact and nervous laughter.

Let me put you in my mind: I have been feeling useless. If I had wanted to teach at a primary school I could have done Teach for America and saved myself the trouble of learning Swahili, but I am a PCV, I should be doing something impactful. I have been placing lots of pressure on myself lately. Every other volunteer seems to already have all these great projects going- mama groups, orphan groups, their AIDS group is a choir that sings... My friend, Katelina, and I are the only two volunteers I know who wander around our villages and say the word AIDS and we get this crazy reaction. Either it is met with laughter, a comment along the lines of "No, we don't have that here," or "No one will get tested." No one wants to talk about AIDS. We have no AIDS group in our villages, much less ones that sing. In my village their is no mama's group and no orphan's group (In fact we don't even have orphan numbers). I am starting from scratch. It is interesting though, that Katelina and I are the only Health/Environment Volunteers down here in Njombe who are starting a site. Every other site has had a PCV there before, which I think is a good compliment to PC that they are doing something.

The one great things about being first, however, is we never get compared to other volunteers. In fact, I think my villagers would be happy if I just visited their homes for the next two years. That is all they really want me to do anyways. I could become a professional visitor. I get invited to homes a million times a day. If I don't go, than they always ask where I was. The problem is you can't just visit once, if you haven't been to their house in a week they say "You have become lost to me" (In Kiswahili). So once you have made some rounds, you had better start up again. So as I sit drinking chai in everyone and their mom's living room (Literally). I think about how I must be the worst PCV ever. I have read, not even an exaggeration, about 50 books. (Just read the "The Bean Trees" by Barbara Kingsolver. Highly highly recommend it.) I read like it's my job, however I am not sure it is in the volunteer job description. (Anyone know how I can be a book reviewer? That's a job for me.) At least I figure that I am making it easier for the next volunteer. When the village is comparing the newbie to me, they will say "Oh, you are actually going to do a project? Brie just ate lots of ugali, held our kids and went to the kilabu." So as you can see, I am starting to panic over here.

Sundays are visiting days and everyone is home. So I set out to work under the guise of visiting. I decide to haul Juster along with me to Mama Mary's home. I think Mama Mary will be helpful in forming a mama's group. We run into this guy and his wife on the way there. He tells me that he is Mama Mary's brother in law and she is not home because he is at a wedding in another village, but he and his wife would love to have us that their home. So we go. Turns out Baba Siefina is a childhood friend of Roma's. It's a small world in African Villages. He reminds me a bit of Roma too. His mother comes in to visit too, she lives next door with Mama Mary on the other side. Turns out his mother is the village chairperson's sister. Ahh, they are all connected and I realize that I am probably one of the only person in the village who is not related to almost everyone. About 50% of the primary school kids have the last name Ngoda. The conversation is the usual what do we eat and what's the weather like in America. Then they tell me that Mzee Ngoda, (my wizard neighbor), killed two people a long time ago to become the first chairperson of the village. Apparently, he just wiped out the competition. Great- I hung out with this guy yesterday and he is my closest neighbor. I press for more info- apparently he killed them through witchcraft. One fell off his motorcycle and the other started coughing up blood. Ok- so an accident and TB, now I am not so worried. The visiting is fun- they give me beans from their farm and avocados from their tree. (A great part of visiting is the gifts.)

However, as I go visiting house to house I feel a bit discouraged. I make a point of asking people individually about an AIDS day. What if it is a party? What if there is cake? Dancing? I can guarantee that there will be 10+ wazungu there. I feel like a carnie- "Step right up to see my white-skinned PCV friends", however, wazungu are always a big selling point with villagers. I can see fear in their eyes, so ask Juster- why? She tells me that they fear that other people will find out about their status (so much for a group), they fear knowing the results, they are afraid. But I am also afraid- as a PCV we are not supposed to be pushing our own agenda, but what if I think the agenda will help the community? I am a PEPFAR volunteer, I am supposed to be working with people who have AIDS, but I don't even know who they are. If this is not a desire of my village, then should I just give up and do something else? Juster even tells me that she and the rest of the teachers will not get tested because they don't think that they have it- thanks for setting a good example. Then she suggests forming all my groups- mamas, orphans, mens, people who keep bees... etc. and gain their trust and teach them the importance of being tested. Then the last month or two of my service having an AIDS day. This is clearly not going to happen at my pace. I am supposed to spend my whole service just getting people used to the idea of being tested? What am I supposed to put on my resume? Haha. I try to tell myself that it is okay because I am the first volunteer and the next PCV here can have the group that sings.

Still feeling disappointed I go home to make a pizza for Kimulimuli and I (That cat eats anything!) I realize that I don't have enough flour so I head to Msanga's shop. On the way there is a man I don't know, he is on his bike stopped in the road. I greet him in Kibena and he replies but then calls me closer. He lowers his voice so no one walking past can hear. Then he speaks quietly, "Nitataka kupima afya." Literally: I want to check my health. However, I know that in TZ this is slang for getting tested for AIDS. I can't believe it. I stare blankly at him. Then he says it again quietly. I say Ok, I am understanding you. I am working on planning the day. He thanks me and rides off. Just when you think no one cares what you are doing or wants to be involved someone like that comes along. Someone in my village actually wants to be tested and they want my help. I live in a region with the highest AIDS rate in TZ at 14.7%, and finally maybe my villagers will respond to that. If he wants help, than maybe more people really do too and are afraid to speak up. How many people would come if I had a testing day? I have no way of knowing. But I do know that is PCTZ just when you feel on the edge- ready to give up, then one small thing happens to remind me that it may all be worth it. Maybe I am being heard.