Choices

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars"
-Persian Proverb

November 20, 2008

Everyday I tell myself that life will get easier and then for a minute it does, but that time is always short lived. This week I think I lost the love and support of someone very important to me. As I sit here in my living room I didn't know it was possible to feel more lonely, but apparently it is. If I was home right now I would start watching "Gone With The Wind"- sort of a weird comfort movie, but it is mine anyways. As I sit here in the dark without Clark Gable, I contemplate once again- why am I here? Ah, the great question. Yesterday I didn't get out of bed. Today I did because ants invaded my house and when ants are coming through every crevice of a home, you sort of have to get up. Katherine brought me six bouquets of flowers today, it is like she instinctively knows my life sucks. What am I doing here?

I have this memory of being young and invited two different places with different friends. I remember whining to my mom that "I didn't want to choose" between the parties. I expected that maybe the world would re-arrange itself for me. My mom responded that I had to choose because life's about choices and I will always have to choose something over something else. This is how she disciplines my siblings too- "You have a choice". One is always a good behavior with a positive outcome, the other is to act the way you are acting and suffer the consequences. It always sucked to be given that choice because your fate was in your own hands. Then there is my Dad, who believes in making things happen for yourself. I can remember talking to him about addiction, which runs so rampantly in our family. He said something that has always stuck with me, "I don't believe in addiction, I believe in choices." Because when it comes down to it you are the decision maker for your life. There are so many excuses that one can make for anything. Sometimes I think we need to believe these excuses to protect our fragile selves. I think of all the excuses I could make right now to go home- and I am not sure anyone would blame me. I think of all the excuses I heard from people before I came- "I wanted to join the PC, but... (Fill in the blank)"

Luckily, in the midst of my emotional week my PC magazine came. The year after I finish my service will be PC's 50th Anniversary. Many Americans have served and helped promote a sense of peace and understanding in our global community. Reading about these volunteers of the past , I felt honored to be among this great group of citizens. When I think of my fellow PCVs in TZ as well as RPCVs I know, like my friends Nate and Laura- working tirelessly to help people in Africa after years of PC service, I feel lucky to be included as one of them. I know all of these people who are hopeful, ambitious, intelligent and able to find fun and appreciate the living in difficult places- I feel glad to know them and privileged to be part of a this common goal. In my choice to be here, I am missing things at home, I am changing the course of my life possibly in a dramatic way. I am a quarter of the way through service already if I COS at the earliest possible date, which I might if I get into graduate school. The life path I take may be changed through this, but I can change other people's too.

I was interviewing the primary school's head teacher for my village's needs assessment. I asked what one thing was that he wanted for our village? His response: "I want our village to have a library, so my daughter can learn to read great books." What a great idea- I would like that too. Although in the mean time I get to think about the nightmare of writing a grant to get that built, stocking it with Kiswahili books, and then who manages it? etc. But I haven't entirely written off the idea because I think by definition is hopeful, idealistic, and ambitious which causes one to take on more than they should.

These days I am just trying to distract myself and Africa is a great distraction. Something weird, fascinating, beautiful, funny... is always going on. I remind myself that I live here- how amazing. I live in a small community and uniquely I am choosing it despite the fear for what I might be losing is a hope for what might be gained.

"There is a candle in your heart ready to be kindled,
There is a void in your soul ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?"
-Rumi